We interrupt this dead blog for breaking news. Found in the deepest recesses of my spam folder lay a comprehensive letter outlining the real reason why Airtel has taken a stance towards breaking Net Neutrality. I’ve reproduced it in its entirety below.
Dear Netizens? Web surfers? Cyberbros (are these actual terms? Oh well, we’ll run with them anyway),
Hello. We at Airtel are watching intently at your efforts to turn back the efforts we’ve set in motion. As a monolithic symbol of India Inc and it’s ruthless endeavours at profiting while throwing you, our “dearest customers” under the bus is all but expected, please hear our pleas and understand why Airtel Zero is good for you.
1. Fewer crazy people on social media: we all know the type. The sort of guy or girl with an image of a celebrity as their display picture, who sends you unsolicited messages on Facebook or Twitter asking for your phone number to “make friendship” with you. With Airtel Zero, you don’t have to worry about this sort of thing because our pricing for social media services is linked to average cost of living. Rest assured this will be priced above and beyond that. By a 100 percent at least. So say good bye to stalkers, psychos and all forms of human maleficence the Internet is known for. Or at least the poor ones, we don’t need them.
2. No Satanic Verses 2.0: remember Salman Rushdie’s Satanic Verses? We do. It was the last time we actually made money on voicemail and SMS. Remember voicemail? Ahh, the good old days of making more money that we knew what to do with. Where were we? Yes, thanks to our new packages, the chance of internet outrage over seemingly incendiary content, be it novels or seemingly harmless comedy “roasts” will be a thing of the past. Less people outraging equals less deaths. It’s just our way of assuming governance of the Internet while TRAI is busy trying to log into Orkut to check their scraps (shhh, don’t tell them its dead).
3. Your gadgets will last longer: sure our network is super efficient and give you up to a 200 percent increase on your battery life. You know this to be true because our ads have told you so. With our new schemes this will be tripled. Simply because battery hogging apps like Clash of Clans and Candy Crush will be barred from eating up our…err…your oh so precious bandwidth. Besides, who needs video games anyway? We need you to be productive at work so you can earn more money to spend on basic communication needs like SMS and voice calls, both of which will see an increase in cost shortly.
4. We slay useless innovation: an app that shows you dishes from restaurants? No one needs that when you can have a stack of musty, cob-web filled menus to choose from. After all, the startup scene is overvalued. You don’t need more apps and services. You need less. By breaking net neutrality we plan to kill the useless made in India apps and replace them with carefully curated (read: they paid us a lot of money) local giants, such as an e-commerce app that bombards you with daily deals. Don’t worry, using it won’t affect your data usage so as long as you buy something daily. Now, that is innovation. And if you don’t like it, you can take a hike.
5. No more Candy Crush Saga notifications: rather than force you to find a way to disable these, we decided to confront the problem at the source. Thanks to tracking everything you do on the Internet (yes, porn included), we’re able to make the incessant Candy Crush spam a thing of the past for the small price of your soul of course.
Here are just five of the many reasons why you should not support net neutrality. It would work in your interests to concur since the air you’re breathing is a part of the spectrum we’ve paid so much to the Department of Telecom to obtain. We’d hate to take that away from you. Just yet.