Guess Who?

I used to lead a hectic life, full of passion, determination and courage. Nowadays I live in a very warm, sunny, almost tropical place, where the heat never goes off. It’s the life. And the closest to paradise I’d ever get. Where each day is a celebration.

Before I even begin the day, I always pick up the paper. Reading it reminds me to be grateful. It’s the reason I am where I am and the reason I am who I am.

The front page is full of chuckle and cheer. Though most people believe that the newspaper is full of negativity and fear, I beg to differ. Then again I would. After all, I am the reason most of it is there.

From corrupt politicians to irate consumers and everything in between. I am the alpha and omega of it all.

By conditioning my kind, the kind who would literally be sustained by the passing of gas from my posterior, I have built an empire of a nation. Based on my creed, my dogma, my principles. Where the folk are so enraptured by my word that they’ve passed it on from one generation to another.

It’s a kind of doctrine where they’ve been led to believe that complacency is perfectly fine. That a reaction, violent or otherwise is not the right thing to do. More or less, I’ve taught one billion people to bend over and take it. And while they’re at it, literally offer the other cheek. A creed of generosity if you will.

Hence you’d always find an article about corruption, rape, bribery and all things which I find hilariously pleasing. In fact you’d find the paper to be full of them. Everyday I get thanks from politicians, cricket selectors, cricketers, policemen and all assorted sorts. They are my true followers, for they would do anything for those colored notes that features an accurate portrayal of my semblance.

These articles and my devout fan following bear testament to my immortal greatness on the earthly plane. No one dares to speak up or bother with what’s going on. They’ve followed my teachings like good students should. No, wait, they’re not good, they’re excellent.

For not only have they offered the other cheek, but also offered their first borns and grandparents too! Giving rise to a society that would be fit for exploitation. From the corrupt, lovingly beaurocratic government to the exceedingly greedy MNC, they’re all cashing in on my legacy. Even the populace’s pets have learnt to exploit. What with excreting all over their kitchen sinks and toilet seats.

In addition to this, the medium of my teachings has evolved; they’ve even made a film on it! It’s been running houseful everyday since it was released. Everything is going as destiny has planned, leaving my ever grateful with my role in history and progression.

At this point, dear reader, you might be wondering, what these lovely tenets are, which have spread in epidemic proportions. They can all be categorized under one word. You’ve definitely heard of it.

Ahimsa.

And with that, I take your leave. Hitler and Satan’s barbeque awaits.