It was like being dropped into front row seats with popcorn at the Gaza Strip watching Godzilla and King Kong duke it out. Amidst the epic spectacle of awesome proportions something goes horribly wrong. You realize that the popcorn has too much salt.
And you have nothing to drink.
Now Listening To: The Killers – A Dustland Fairytale
Ever had a scenario where you needed to get someone’s attention and have already tried everything? And by “everything” that would include sacrificing virgins, summoning godzilla and nuking a small continent. Fret not, here at Slackerninja’s Freestyle Dojo, we have a method that’s fool proof and guarantees 100% results else your money back!
Ladies and gentlemen i present to you what is the greatest possible way to grab someone’s attention.
Ninja Monkeys. With spoons.
Did your head explode? Yeah i thought so, let me say that again. Ninja Monkeys. With spoons. Just don’t get any gibs on the carpet.
What you need for this are:
Directions:
Hook up the TV and DVD player in the empty room, play the Ninja Scroll anime on loop. Leave the monkeys inside for a week. Carefully approach the room, hand them spoons. Get them to an airplane, zeroed into the coordinates of the person who’s attention you need. Air drop the monkeys right above said person for desired effect as illustrated below:
You might wonder, why spoons? Well because they're effective killing tools. Believe.
So there you have it all you attention whores seekers. The undisputedly most effective way to grab anyone’s attention!
If you’ve been fortunate to chance upon this blog and use this sagacious piece of advice do share your experiences by commenting below.
Disclaimer: Slackerninja’s Freestyle Dojo takes no responsibility for any possible loss of friendship, love, life, business opportunities or cookies that may occur while using this invaluable knowledge that you (read: everyone one on the internet) are exclusively privy to.
They exist. Women who love Seinfeld. And no, none of you need to know their whereabouts.
Now Listening To: Sum 41 – Casualty of Society
Rorschach’s Rishis’s Journal Blog April 19th 1985 2009
Vodka haze. Had a mega-mug of it last night. Doused with lemonade. The effects of the marathon Team Fortress 2 and Dawn of War 2 sessions played on my brain like a zillion Seinfeld jokes being told at once. Fun. Too much of it to process.
Phone rings. Once. Twice. Thrice. Aunt walks in. Wakes me up from my semi-slumber. It was V-Man. Croaky and still slumbering i took his call for it only meant one thing. A day filled with moments like:
“This is an authentic Chinese restaurant?”
“No. Why?”
“They have Chinese people outside (at the reservation desk)”
“If she says you remind her of your father, tell her, “come to daddy!” “ (with pelvic thrust et al ).
Yes. There was beer. Two pitchers of it. Two more than V-Man could handle. So much so that by the time we raided Baskin Robbins and KR Rustoms for ice cream he was giggling like a school girl on her first date. Did i mention he was tapping on any possible surface he could find, trying to give Dave Grohl a run for his money? And it was only going to get worse.
“Why is it so quiet?”
“Nothing man, just wanna make sure we cross the road without getting run over.”
“Ok.”
5 seconds later.
“So what gay song should i sing now?”
“……..”
” * Starts singing BSB’s As long as You Love Me* “
“Dudewhatthefuck?!”
Singing BSB songs in broad daylight. This menace had to be stopped. And it was. In epic Rorschach Rishi style.
“Dude why so quiet.”
“We got thrown out of Marine Plaza. You were groping a waitress.”
“Fuck off.”
“No seriously.”
“What the hell?! But I remember I hugged Abhay on the way out.”
“That’s all you remember.”
A phone call later reconfirmed what he had allegedly done. Propositioning the invisible waitress for a lapdance, making lewd comments and asking for some form of gratification whose graphic nature, if disclosed would put this blog on par with a full fledged porn site.
Anyway the purpose was served, he was left scarred, confused and believed it all. Till i decided to tell him the truth. Then he was livid, furious and seven shades of angry. More importantly, sober.
If reading this now, whether i am alive or dead, you will know truth. Whatever precise nature of this conspiracy, two pitchers of KingFisher draught beer are responsible. Have done best to make this legible. Believe it paints disturbing picture. Namely that of the villainy i’m capable of.
Now Listening To: Limp Bizkit – Boiler
A few days ago, the motherbot decided to call me at work. As usual i expected it to be something along the lines of, “You *peep* why the *peep* isn’t the *insert electronic device here* you *insert expletive of choice here*”. Fate however, had something else in store for me:
You know you’re a good kid. You’ve principles, honesty and take pride in doing the right thing.
My only reply was a muted “ok” as i tried to process all of that at one go. Needless to say i was stunned, shocked and slightly beaming a smile that might have lasted all day if she didn’t call me 10 minutes later to ask me:
So it shows on FaceBook that I replied to a message I never knew I received. Did you hack into my FaceBook account?
And people wonder why i’m a walking contradiction. The proof is in the genes. Which appear to have been passed down in generous, all-you-can-eat buffet styled quantities.
Now Listening To: Saliva – Broken Sunday
I’m not scared of terrorism. I’ve had a girlfriend for two years.
And if someone’s had one for around three years, he’d probably be welcoming terrorism in. With open arms and a beer in hand.
Now Listening To: The Cure – Underneath The Stars
Something back from the day when i could write…
PAIN
I felt shivers down my spine as I saw him approach. The swagger in his step heightens my premonition of dread. My world shakes and crumbles with each advancing stride.
His shadow looms over me, a mirror image of his perverse thoughts. Today he brings along an acquaintance. It seems I would be humiliated further. The nightmare is soon to begin, yet again.
Escape. That is something I wish I could do. Go far away from him. Being a platform for him to walkover does not suit me. I feel stepped on and abused.
Every night I am tortured. Dragged through dirt and filth, I have no space to breathe. The laces he uses to tie me down hurt more intensely than before. He ruins me beyond exhaustion.
Although he professes love, he prefers to have me groveling at his feet. As much as I hate it, I am dragged across gutters, sewers and an assortment of swill. A “clean up” job is what he calls it.
How I wish he were dead. Apart from being tied down, my skin has lost its shiny luster. A canker of stains reigns supreme. Grime and muck surround me. I am imprisoned in a boxed room and released when his need arises.
A sharp shooting pain fills my heel. This is a chronic,harsh reminder of the games he plays. It has been bitten and chewed on.
A few nights ago, I rebelled against him, refusing to give in to his sadistic pleasures. I tripped him over with the punishing lace. Just to show his dominance, he let a stray mongrel nip me at the heel. He cries in joy, seeing my pain.
Life never used to be like this. My love for him was endless. We originally met at a department store. For the first time I felt on display. We met through a common friend, the salesman. Our eyes met across the room, it seemed like an eternity of bliss.
As if I had found paradise on Earth. I went home with him. At the beginning it was ecstasy. I was so wrong. Now I am treated worse than an old shoe.
My moments of melancholy are shattered by his presence, my tormentor has arrived. I would run given half the chance, his odious ways cannot be mended. Although my sister does not say much ,the pain is evident. She feels filthy and violated; we make a desolate pair. It seems as if he has something new for us today, a brush and wax occupy his hands. Run I would, alas I have no feet.
“Hey Jack,polishing the old boots today?”
“Yeah, got an inspection at the sewer depot.”
Top 7 mess ups of ’08
7. Fake ups.
6. Break ups.
5. Crossing through the 9 circles of hell whilst commuting to work. Daily.
4. An0 leaving for the US. Leaving me with no one to have bitching contests with.
3. Bad hair cuts.
2. Drunken friends doing drunken things that they wish they weren’t reminded of.
1. Pitching for an awesome client. And failing miserably.
Top 7 awesome things of ’08
7. Break ups.
6. Singapore.
5. My job.
4. The Dark Knight.
3. Bhavvya hooking up.
2. Ano’s farewell.
1. Metal Gear Solid 4
Why 7? Because i wanted to stand out and belong at the same time. i rebel against the system while joyously revelling in what it offers. Yo.
Now Listening To: Incubus – Pardon Me
People have their own little eccentricities. It’s just that most of them either refuse to acknowledge it or merely aren’t observant enough. A friend of mine count the number of times she stirs the sugar in her tea, another counts the number of steps from the bathroom to her room and a third has to wash his hands before anything. So it got me thinking.
Am i eccentric?
After (seemingly) centuries of painstaking research (read: times i wasn’t involved with work, games, sleep, breathing or eating) i realized that i, indeed am, a little mental. Songs play in my head. Over and over again. For almost 3 months now. They are:
and
This might have to do with me listening to them often but as you can see, it’s quite chronic and damn irritating. This is my idiocrasy. It must be purged for generations to come. To meet this end i’ve stopped listening to music on the go (because my iPod crapped out on me).
Now if i could do something about those frequent thoughts about jumping infront of a train, swearing incessantly at certain people i know and jumping from the topmost floor of buildings.
Now listening to: You skipped to the end of this post didn’t you? You have ADD because i said so!
