Freshly Pressed!

It was a dark and stormy night. The winds were sending a biting chill down his spine howling at him to retreat home, the clouds conspired to rain the heavens down his wretched body and road was well, non-existent in this part of the world.

Nevertheless he persevered onwards with nothing but fire in his belly, effervescent hope and music on his iPod. Actually just music on iPod , the other two were actually his stomach growling and his conscience rebelling at being forced to wake up so early.

After all, he was just heading to work and it the weather wasn’t as murky as it sounds, it’s just that he’s plain delusional. Always happens when you’ve to trek to Mumbai’s equivalent of Mordor (read: Andheri East) to get to your job.

The sight he saw on arrival was anything but the usual delusion (battling undead warriors guarding the entrance of Mordor). Hoardes of his co-workers were stuck in the office compound and weren’t exactly pleased.

Alright, they’re close to undead warriors but not quite, he thought as he trudged on smiling which stopped the moment he realized that he along with his office crew were displaced for reasons which only beings of a higher power could fathom. And in that very instant he had the most astounding revelation. An epiphany so deep and meaningful that it seemed to materialize itself from the very womb of the origin of inspiration, also know more widely as “shit happens”.

December sucks.

How did he of all people come across this astounding insight you readers (well, reader as far as i know…unless there are more lurkers, c’mon you know who you might be, i think)might ask? He used his powers of deduction which are awesome. Like unicorns puking rainbows. Except they’re not puking rainbows they’re puking, well…puke. Yes his powers of deduction are that awesome.

Digressions aside this is what he puke..err..deduced. First up he attended a marriage which was fun, at least in theory. Not in practice because dressing up made him feel fat and weight conscious. Also dancing at a wedding was embarassing to say the least. The very definition of clumsy and embarassing which topped this little 2005 incident of his and laughable enough to be understood by the aliens who’d be watching it when they conquer our planet years from now.

Secondly he realized where he stands with people who he felt he was close to which apparently wasn’t the case (yeah he’s that delusional it seems), felt like being impaled with a bed of nails which is a tad better than feeling fat and conscious (weight or otherwise).

Thirdly he felt his work was going unrecognized and his talents being flushed down the drain being stuck in the 1st level of hell (the oldies called it, for some mad reason, limbo, we know it as “middle management”) which made him made him insane enough to believe that going to work was akin to making a daily commute to Mount Doom.

Fourthly everyone he knows is either prepping up to be the next Meryl Streep with drama so excessive that it could make the passing of gas an epic saga of love, betrayal and ultimately vengeance of the stomach who finally got to say, “I told you that pizza was bad for you.” in the most visual, craptacular way possibe. I shit you not. Oh wait…

Then again it might have something to do with the lack of caffeine, excessively stupid workload and scant respect from humanity or the fact that he really needed to stop wearing shoes that are uncomfortable for his feet.

So yes, December sucks. All his ten toes, even the one with the mauled nail concurred with him in unison which made the stray dog at his side scurry away with its tail between its legs.

Perhaps it has to do with the weight of the entire plumetting down on his uneven shoulders in one fell swoop? Is it because he really needs to buy a pair of shoes that aren’t of the corn yeilding variety? Or was it because Avatar was good enough to put him to sleep? Suddenly Mordor transformed into something regal, like it was a scene out of the set of Dynasty minus Alexis Carrington which was a bit of a downer but it would do. Out of nowhere he heard the sound of an announcer…

“Find out more on the next thrilling episode of… life…of this random dude who’s making me pause dramatically by showing one elipse too many. Same place and unknown time.”

Tags: 2005, alexis carrington, aliens, avatar, circles of hell, dante's inferno, december, delusional, dynasty, fail, friends, limbo, lord of the rings, management, meryl streep, mordor, mount doom, ohai, people, relationships, soap operas, sucks, weddings, work