The Cricket Survival Guide

Something I wrote for T3 India. Now here and unedited for your viewing pleasure:

Zombies and cricket fans have a lot in common. They’re both mindless drones lumbering around trying to sink their chops into unsuspecting folk converting them into one of their own. The difference being that one of them is an extremely real and dangerous threat. And unless there’s a zombie world cup in February it is but obvious that this is a guide to surviving the Cricket World Cup if you’re not a fan.

1. Go off the virtual social grid: Unwire yourself from the time sinks that are Twitter and Facebook which would be replete with fans spouting their views on everything from Yuvraj’s latest squeeze to Sehwag’s hairstyle and maybe cricket as well. If these weren’t enough you’d find more than your fair share of folk who previously didn’t give a crap about the sport trying to validate their existence by posting something apparently witty about it for virtual kudos. Stay away from them too. They’ve given in to the plague. It’s too late for them.

2. Read no evil, watch no evil: You turn into a zombie when you get bitten by one. Cricket zombies are smarter. Everything from your favourite phone brand to your choice of milk would be looking to if you could excuse the pun, milk this event for all its worth ensuring your superior cricket-free mind being contaminated by World Cup taint remotely. It’s a clever Trojan horse. The solution? Stop reading newspapers and magazines, stop watching TV and get your news via filtered ad-free alternatives like RSS feeds

3. Rally survivors: You won’t be alone in these dark times. There will be other like-minded, kindred individuals looking for some solace from the trauma. Now would be a good time to get in touch with your friends who you know for a fact won’t be interested in the World Cup perhaps at a place that isn’t piping inane cricketing commentary. Like a quiet restaurant without a TV for example.

4. Drinking Games: If you’re forced to watch a match. Have a shot of tequila each time a wicket falls, the batsman hits the ball, the bowler gets a dot ball, when an extra is bowled and every time there’s an ad break. This would ensure that you’d be more receptive to the sport as it would regulate alcohol consumption.

5. House Party Protection: Cricket zombies are a cunning bunch as point number 2 would surmise. Sometimes when getting to you virally doesn’t work, they decide to be upfront and invite you to a house party to “watch the match”. This is one time where you’re allowed to be impolite and show up extremely late. Preferably after the game. And if you have the misfortune of showing up when it’s on, feign interest by resorting to the usual catchphrases like “Sachin is God” and “I wish Ganguly was still captain” this would result in the horde bickering over these two topics for hours on end. Allowing you to make a speedy exit.

6. Kamikaze: The final solution this. It’s the very definition of suicide. If points 1 to 5 fail and you for some reason find yourself kidnapped, blackmailed (emotionally or otherwise) or held at gunpoint to watch a cricket match your only option is to shout at the top of your lungs when appropriate (at the loss of a wicket or a boundary scored) “GO MANCHESTER UNITED!”. This would result in devastation of cataclysmic proportions with the crowd and your immediate (cricket zombie) friends losing absolute respect for you. Which would have been pretty much as existent as Diablo 3 if you had to resort to this.