Contrary to popular opinion, I didn’t immediately tear of the packaging and install it on  my PC to play. No. Rather I finished off Max Payne 3 first, indulged in some of its multiplayer hijinks, and wrote a post about it.

Then I ran myself sore playing football and watched 2 seasons of Seinfeld. Which got me wondering if I’m in some sort of weird trip of denying myself fun. Reason being:

1. Haven’t had a drink in a month. And I don’t feel the need to. I think.

2. The cats at home don’t quiver in my presence any more.

3.  My sister is happier. A direct result of me not trolling her.

4. I’m not having as much pizza as I should (read: every time possible).

Anyway, here I am, close to a week after I got Diablo 3 and am about to fire it up. Here’s hoping it lives up to the hype.

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: booze, diablo 3, hype, lazy, max payne 3, pizza, sibling, sister ]]> http://slackerninja.com/2012/05/27/of-diablo-3-and-laziness/feed/ 0 slackerninja Diablo 3 http://slackerninja.com/2012/05/26/im-batman/ http://slackerninja.com/2012/05/26/im-batman/#comments Sat, 26 May 2012 17:33:11 +0000 slackerninja http://slackerninja.com/?p=1307 ]]> He: “So who is the Marvel superhero who they’re going to announce as gay?”

Me: “Marvel? No man, DC.”

He: “Is it Spiderman? Superman? I think it will be Batman.”

Me: *awkward, long, deliberate pause*

He: “Because…”

Me: “No. No. No. Just NO! Not happening.”

He: “Why not?”

Me: “He’s a complete bad ass that’s why!”

He: “But it would explain a lot of things.”

Me: “Yeah I guess that would explain Robin.”

He: “The overcompensating gruff voice, the fact that he isn’t prone to Catwoman’s charms.”

Me: “Or Poison Ivy for that matter. His fascination for the Joker. Yeah, guess you’re right. The logic makes sense.”

He: “The only reason they won’t do it is because of backlash from the fans.”

Me: “True, but you know what would be funny? XYZ is a huge fan. In fact his better half even told me that he paraded around his college dorm in a Batman costume.”

He: “Seriously?”

Me: “Yes. Imagine how this would screw with his head?”

He: “In ways more than one.”

Sure, there was and is outrage, drama and impassioned pleas from folk everywhere. Now I’m no political genius or master of governance to fathom the rationale behind such moves, but it seems that all the government is doing is exercising a fair bit of control (insert Captain Obvious remarks here). You know, the sort an overprotective mother indulges in. Instead of calling you a million times a day or forcing a curfew on you, you’re being told what to do and what not to do, in spite of well, being a democracy.

Which brings me to the crux of this blog post. We all crave control in some form or another. Be it snooping on your friend’s text messages, silently observing a family member’s online antics or simply being extremely overbearing to those around us. It’s human nature. A response to some warped insecurity or another. This isn’t wrong. It’s human nature which we’re perfectly fine with. Here’s why.

The government is just acting like that one alpha male/female in a group of friends who wants to control everything from where the gang go to eat to which cinema they watch The Avengers at. Being the civil polite people that we are, we rarely do tell Mr. or Ms. Bossypants to his or her or it’s face that his or her or it’s behaviour is appalling. We may however, bitch about said person on Twitter and move on.

What’s scary in this case is, we’re not doing anything about the scenario. We’re more than happy to be resigned to the fact that for the rest of our living, social existence, the terms and conditions of where we go and what we do is decided by someone else. We’re perfectly fine with it.

Having said that, we’re completely wrong, out of line and impolite for trying to tell our lovely PM and his friends anything. After all, we’ve been conditioned to deal with it in ways that don’t involve public outcries, petitions and other forms of protest. They’re just macro scaled a social aspect we’re used to. So deal with it, be nice and stay classy (read: shut up). Well, unless you want to be labelled a maoist.

Me; “Yes?”

He: “I called because I got suddenly inspired!”

Me: “Hmmm, that’s rare.”

He: “I know, I know. I got an idea.”

Me: “Okay…”

He: “I’ve been very inspired because I listened to Tenacious D! If you’ve read my status messages.”

Me: “Uh-huh… What status messages?”

He: “Oh that’s right, you don’t check Facebook.”

Me: “No.”

He: “I was thinking we should collaborate!”

Me: “…”

He: “You can write, I can come up with the music!”

Me: “…”

He: “It can be something like “Fuck Her Gently”  or a one minute sketch. It can be entertaining!”

Me: “Hmmm…”

He: “C’mon man! It can be something like the liquor permit issue. Or fuel prices. It should be something I understand. So if you write about*…I won’t understand it!”

Me: “Um….okay.”

He: “It’s like what you do in your blogging!”

Me: “…”

He: “What’s the matter?”

Me: “I’m not too keen on collaborating. I rather work on my own.”

He: “Write what you want, I’ll just come up with the music to it!”

Me: *facepalm*

He: “I’ll get my acoustic over to your place! Let’s jam!”

Me: “Let’s see.”

He: “What’s the problem? You busy? At work or something?”

Me: “No. I just don’t think this is a good idea.”

He: “Oh. Okay. I’ll speak to you later.”

(*I took away my phone from the earpiece while he narrated this bit, so I have no idea what he said next)

There isn’t much to say that hasn’t been said of one of the biggest releases of the year that isn’t called Diablo 3 or prefixed with the words “Call of Duty”. Max is witty and brooding as always, backed up by writing godly enough to make Sachin Tendulkar seem human. Trademark Rockstar production values are back as well.

It might not have the open world charm of Red Dead Redemption or GTA but the attention to detail is stunning as usual.Oh and there’s more than a hint of film noir. In fact it’s slathered in it, from the story telling to the moody music and the shifty environs.

Controlling Max is a sluggish affair but a few tweaks to the control sensitivity, and you won’t miss a beat since the last game in 2003. For a series that invented the oft-used and abused bullet time slash slo-mo move seen in a ton of other titles, it’s good to have it back in full force. So far so good right? Well, mostly.

You see, for all the awesomeness the developers have managed to pack there was one colossal loop hole that keeps nagging me long after I’ve put the game down. If you’re sensitive to spoilers, stop reading.

No seriously, stop.

You still here? Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The last segment of the game takes place on an airstrip. To get there you have to hop on a train. Obviously with this being the near end of the game, you’ll find yourself outnumbered and outgunned by tons of armed baddies who are on another train on the side of yours, going in the same direction.

After you’re done offing most of them, you realise that your train is going to crash into a slab of steel. You promptly jump onto the other train, dispatching the few remaining cronies who were laughing at what seemed to be your apparent downfall.

Then you’re delivered to the airstrip, where, no surprise, there’s enough disposable soldiers for a huge disposable army. It’s at this point where the writers and designers took a magical leap of disbelief. You’re treated to a cut scene of Max Payne slinking off into a hangar like he was Solid Snake. Which he obviously isn’t else this would be called MGS5.

What’s amusing and yet, at the same time, vexing is that not a single bad guy, not a single hired gun would realise that a train just arrived with more corpses than people, carrying the one man single-handedly responsible for lowering the life expectancy of the average video game goon to almost single digits (preceded by a decimal point). It was a frustrating turn of events in ways more than one as it made no sense.

Did Max, after his years of alcohol and painkiller abuse master the art of invisibility? Or did his foes have a death wish? The possibilities are endless because the logic did not exist. Perhaps that was the wrong way of looking at things?

After all, this is a game about a down on his luck, mostly drunk, depressed ex-cop on a quest for redemption who has the ability to slow time down in a gunfight.

The fact is, logic cashed in its chips and left the table a long time ago. It doesn’t make Max Payne 3 any less of a game, it’s just that for a title so polished, some flaws that you’d gloss over if it was called “Angry Gringo Gun Battles 2012″, end up sticking out like a nun in a brothel.

Now that’s a title that Rockstar should have gone with for South American markets. Angry Gringo, not nun in a brothel. Or both. Maybe.

I’m fed up.

No, it’s not the job, that’s pretty sweet. It’s not the daily grind of commuting in a city befitting the status of a war zone and it’s not the standard of living in the shadow of a dystopian, scumbag government either. I’ve made my peace with these elements a long time ago. After all, what else would you expect from someone who wakes up each morning anticipating an alien invasion?

I’m fed up of people. I’m fed up of listening. I’m fed up “being there” for them. I’m fed up of hearing their sordid tales of their daily existence. I’m fed up of being accommodating of their idiosyncrasies. I have had enough and I can’t have any more. I’ve reached a point where my relationship with people is borderline toxic because I’ve had it with being the foil to everyone’s drama and I want out.

Having said that, I’m in the process of culling the unnecessary whining and noise. So don’t be surprised if you don’t see me on Facebook, have access to my tweets only due to retweets from others, and can’t view me on Foursquare, Instagram or the social network of the du jour. Oh and don’t get appalled if I don’t reply to WhatsApp messages, texts, emails or even pick up the phone.

It’s funny how the dynamics of modern day communication make me want to crawl into my shell rather than be more open to listening. Good thing the block and report as spam buttons exist. It seems like the best way to clean out the mess I’ve gotten myself into thoroughly. Fun.

Now listening to: Bonobo – Kiara

Soaked clothes, floods and insane traffic: yes, it’s India’s rainy season. For further proof, scan tabloids for the word “deluge”, broadsheets for yet more articles about preventing malaria, and these tell-tale techy revealers…

1. The New Booze Invasion

With the rains comes bars trying to grab your attention with new variations of your usual poison. Do you go for a sugarcane-infused lager or take a chance on the banana beer? And what’s that fancy neon green thingamajig that it’s being dispensed from all about? One thing’s for sure: one pint later you’ll be back on Kingfisher. Unless you had to fortitude of ordering one with another free during happy hours, which means you will end up with a hangover that makes The Hangover 2 seem like a good idea.

2. Fair-Weather Walkers

The first word of rain has summer couch-potatoes everywhere grow legs and reach for their porous raincoats and squeaky rubber slippers. And before you know it they’re blocking up every square inch of walking space wherever possible with their best Fred Alastaire Singing In The Rain persona gladly risking possible death and disease for some mindless fun. Until they realise that their spiffy new iPhones (bought on EMIs no less) much like their mood, the gutters and most of the country, are heavily waterlogged.

3. Social Network Updates

Halfway through your fifth planning meeting of the day you steal a glimpse at Facebook, only to see that half of your acquaintances are ranting about how bad the weather is and the rest getting supremely emo over how it’s the greatest thing since the iPad. This season is clearly Dr. Jekyll to some and Mr. Hyde to others but all parts fun if you’re the sort who lives vicariously.

4. The Big Bollywood Item Number

Blaring from every possible radio or computer with a pair of speakers you pass is a horribly compelling mix of the cheesiest, borderline pornographic lyrics, some kind of novelty instrument – Irish flutes and circus kazoos perhaps – and a scantily clad formerly famous film actor exhorting you to umm…do something, if her gyrations didn’t render you temporarily deaf.

5. Municipal Corporation Madness

Another year since the epic floods of 2005 and you’ll still find your local civic administration drumming up Pulitzer Prize winning excuses as to why you won’t be able to step out of your flat due to them not being able to cover up a pothole and clean the drains. Problematic if you don’t want to drown when you need to make an emergency run to the drug store for aspirin. You know, in the event that you’ve to succumb to drunkenness as detailed in point number 1.

6. Aquaphobia

Symptoms include draping belongings in layers of plastic bags and possessing enough raincoats and umbrellas to keep a small country dry. If they could they’d laminate themselves. We recommend in investing in plastic companies and a good shrink for your pals.

1. New Vegas! Now with a better soundtrack, post-apocalyptic goodness, more options than an octopus has tentacles and no dorky Zach Galifianakis or anyone remotely associated with The Hangover. Unless someone makes a mod for it. Bring your own roofies though.

2. Aside from battling giant sentient alien ships and tapping your crew members, Mass Effect 2′s greatest success is making you playthrough 30-odd hours of what is actually, the world’s first intergalactic recruitment simulator.

3. While Rockstar’s stellar Red Dead Redemption has absolutely no relation to Nintendo’s pink ball of joy, Kirby’s Epic Yarn  was the polar opposite of the coolest rendition of the Wild West (complete with being able to tie a woman to a railway track!). With the objective of confusing the crap out of everyone and pissing off the purists, the above picture does the job. As well as confirm nothing but both games are awesome and you’d be a dark empty void if you don’t play either. And both.

4. Shamelessly ripped from my IVG write up on Vanquish:

Overheard at a video game store:
“Oh, what’s this game Vanquish about?”
“Hmmm, I dunno, I’d Google it but my EDGE network sucks.”
“Well, it looks interesting, guns and all. But, but, but…the dude is not Kratos, Master Chief, Marcus Phoenix, Sam Fisher or even those random soldiers from COD.”
“You’re right, without any of those on the cover, it’s definitely not a good game. Let’s get Splinter Cell: Conviction instead!”
That is probably why Vanquish is the Best Game No One Played. It leads to two observations. One: people are too lazy to read the back of the box. Two: a decent portion of you have played the game; enough to recognize that this is without a doubt the most superlative title that everyone missed out on. It’s a tragedy because it’s got great gameplay, fantastic production values, and it allows you to throw back rockets fired at you by giant robots.

 

5. Bonus image! Best dialogue of 2010:

Wait, what?

By “hearing” I mean seeing, reading or absorbing in some form or another. In some cases, even spewing.

“If I talk ballcurry to someone like you about video games, you will know it’s ballcurry. For example if I told you I knew the chief CEO of Konami, you know I’m talking ballcurry!”, a good friend who decided to set the world record for a sentence with the word, “ballcurry”.

“I play with dogs…not women.”, another friend on his reason for volunteering with the Welfare For Stray Dogs.

“God of War is an RPG! You play the role of Kratos.”, the lengths to which a point can be proven. Also, shit my Sam says to prove a point.

“Judas Priest is opening for Metallica. They’re some 90s band. Like the Spice Girls.”, spewed from the same mouth that gave us ballcurry and chief CEO.

“When you hear the song Pokerface, do you think of Po from Kung Fu Panda or Lady Gaga?”, as you can see, I am a deep thinker. And stuff.

“I can’t be a sycopanth but I can be a yes man!”, the same world record setting friend describing his strategy for tackling his boss.

“Honesty is expensive. Cheap people don’t have it.”, sign outside a church.

“Your PC sucks because it doesn’t warn me when I close a window!”, the sisterbot on why Macs are awesome.

“Video games = you’re a nano-augmented bad ass. Movies = you’re a transgendered travelling salesman.”, as seen on Twitter.

“Snow Leopard? What is that?”,  the collective staff at the Breach Candy iStore.

 ”Malaika how friendly are you with gadgets?” , random suit at a press con featuring Malaika Arora.

“Malaika wanted to touch, feel and do things to all the products presented to her!”, same random suit showing his lecherous side to all and sundry. See the video at a torrent site near you!

“Apple removed JPEG support for the iPad or what?” , expertly called by a fellow Apple skeptic. And more believable than funny.

“Publishers have a good rapport with journalists and get good reviews. “, explains a games developer on how things work. Guess we know why a lot of games get bad reviews then.

“Register, pay $99 and download it for free!”, the same developer elucidating how easy it is to develop for iOS.

“You have any friends in the suburbs? I’m looking for a maid.”, this is what happens when townies decide to move to the ‘burbs.

“Get your time periods right woman!”, this is me trying to correct said ex-townie five minutes later.

Vital Stats:

Quotes featuring Apple in one form or another: 3

Quotes about some Bollywood celeb: 2

Quotes with video games: 4

Quotes resulting in facepalm: all of them

My left toe is stubbed. The nail split in half, bleeding. The blood marries my puke. You can barely tell the difference after a few moments. I’m just tired. Actually, tired doesn’t begin to explain how brutally exhausted I feel. I’m wallowing in more than just my own filth, dirt and plasma. And I’m doing more than just wallowing. Try drowning. At some level this seems completely palapable. Even normal.

After what seems like an eternity I manage to pull myself up, turn the shower knob and wash it all away. The noodles put up fierce resistance at the drain. Much like I do under the cold shower. It’s freezing, seems alien and foreboding. But it’s done. Before I know it I’m on my mattress. Sleep doesn’t come easy though, I’m awake every hour. On the hour.

And all this while I’m thinking.  It’s as if every single thing that pissed the living daylights out of me in the last couple of weeks created a rift in my thought process so much so that  there was so much more clarity in thought than I’ve had in the last four years. I could feel a warm glow when there was none. A calm voice keeping nerves at bay. It was…interesting.

This could be the start of something exceptional. Or my years of hedonism are finally catching up with me leading me to absolute and total craziness. Either way, this should be fun if not completely vague and almost totally indescribable. It’s amazing what a pack of poisonous noodles can do for you apart from well, poisoning you.

Now Listening To: 13 & God – Superman on Ice