Something I wrote for T3 India. Now here and unedited for your viewing pleasure:
Soaked clothes, floods and insane traffic: yes, it’s India’s rainy season. For further proof, scan tabloids for the word “deluge”, broadsheets for yet more articles about preventing malaria, and these tell-tale techy revealers…
1. The New Booze Invasion
With the rains comes bars trying to grab your attention with new variations of your usual poison. Do you go for a sugarcane-infused lager or take a chance on the banana beer? And what’s that fancy neon green thingamajig that it’s being dispensed from all about? One thing’s for sure: one pint later you’ll be back on Kingfisher. Unless you had to fortitude of ordering one with another free during happy hours, which means you will end up with a hangover that makes The Hangover 2 seem like a good idea.
2. Fair-Weather Walkers
The first word of rain has summer couch-potatoes everywhere grow legs and reach for their porous raincoats and squeaky rubber slippers. And before you know it they’re blocking up every square inch of walking space wherever possible with their best Fred Alastaire Singing In The Rain persona gladly risking possible death and disease for some mindless fun. Until they realise that their spiffy new iPhones (bought on EMIs no less) much like their mood, the gutters and most of the country, are heavily waterlogged.
3. Social Network Updates
Halfway through your fifth planning meeting of the day you steal a glimpse at Facebook, only to see that half of your acquaintances are ranting about how bad the weather is and the rest getting supremely emo over how it’s the greatest thing since the iPad. This season is clearly Dr. Jekyll to some and Mr. Hyde to others but all parts fun if you’re the sort who lives vicariously.
4. The Big Bollywood Item Number
Blaring from every possible radio or computer with a pair of speakers you pass is a horribly compelling mix of the cheesiest, borderline pornographic lyrics, some kind of novelty instrument – Irish flutes and circus kazoos perhaps – and a scantily clad formerly famous film actor exhorting you to umm…do something, if her gyrations didn’t render you temporarily deaf.
5. Municipal Corporation Madness
Another year since the epic floods of 2005 and you’ll still find your local civic administration drumming up Pulitzer Prize winning excuses as to why you won’t be able to step out of your flat due to them not being able to cover up a pothole and clean the drains. Problematic if you don’t want to drown when you need to make an emergency run to the drug store for aspirin. You know, in the event that you’ve to succumb to drunkenness as detailed in point number 1.
6. Aquaphobia
Symptoms include draping belongings in layers of plastic bags and possessing enough raincoats and umbrellas to keep a small country dry. If they could they’d laminate themselves. We recommend in investing in plastic companies and a good shrink for your pals.
