introspection « Slackerninja's Freestyle Dojo

Tag Archives: introspection

Write. Rewrite.

It slaughters the mind. It really does. And it explains a lot.

Ladies and gentlemen. I suffer from an incurable disease.

I am, for the lack of a better term, an absolute douche. I’m extremely condescending to almost everyone I meet. I am extremely cynical, skeptical and paranoid to the point where if I was probably born several years earlier, I’d have coined and perfected the term “Big Brother” before Orwell would even get down to writing the book. And to the fact that I’m the moodiest person you’d have the pleasure of meeting makes me a bundle of joy to deal with.

Did I mention I’m the paragon of sarcasm? Well I did now.

But you know what? None of these habits irritate me too much. None of them at all. Except one.

No, it’s not the fabled deviance and manipulation all of you talk about behind my back, not that, that’s most Machiavellian and therefore most endearing of the bunch. No.

It’s just this one nasty habit, that drains the immense reservoirs of self-replicating caffeine glands that reside in me.

I have this annoying habit of writing and rewriting, this annoying ghastly ability to stop my flow of thoughts good and proper, reread the crap out of it, scrutinize the fuck out of it and then trash it into my drafts folder like a used tampon.

End result, I have close to 150-odd drafts or so. I’d like to attribute it to being a goddamn perfectionist but I’d go a step further and say I’m getting more anal than I should to the point where I spend more time criticizing my stuff and junking it. And all of this on my personal blog mind you. Geez no wonder I’m not writing more professionally.

So yes, there you have it, the one single thing about me that drives me bat-fuck insane. Yeah, that and the fact that I plaster toilet seats with enough paper to feed Ethiopia for a millennium.

On the bright side that’s being rectified with this post as it’s not being heavily scrutinized.

The first habit, not the toilet seat one. Just to be clear.

Now Listening To: Staind – Outside

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Wednesday Happened

23 May

“If you’re going for it, don’t be a hero and just say you’re going for it.”

“Dude, if I were going for it I’d say I was. Heck you’d know if I was. Haven’t you watched any old school Hindi flicks? You CAN TELL who the hero is in one glance.”

Sure the conversation above was in reference to something completely different (which may or may not involve women). But it is apt for my current conundrum. Either way things can get pretty disturbing when you’re told “TRUST ME” in a context that’s purely professional. You can’t tell where some people stand. Even if they apparently have the best intentions.

So yes, the “talk” happened with decibel breakage (mainly from my side) as well leading to more than a few people wondering what was going on cementing my belief that the best of intentions are hindered by compromise and other crap needed to make a system work. Or at least have a semblance of function.

On the bright side I was a recipient of a few hilarious text messages, the best of which was “Lol, coming for lunch?”. Regardless of the outcome, I feel it’s time to level up. There’s so much I want to do. So little time to do it. Too little of it to waste bickering with a bunch of trolls.

Oh and I’m “overly aggressive”.

LOL.

Now Listening To: Bear Lake – You’re Only Waiting

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sigh

10 May

It’s 5: 22 AM.

By the time I’m done typing this post, it’ll be close to 6 AM on a Monday morning if not already past it.

Needless to say, things are pretty messed up if you find yourself in front of your computer screen in a post-sleep, caffeine and Gatorade fueled haze in a vain, almost cursory attempt at trying to be coherent on a blog that has been, of late a dumping ground for perverse jokes and randomness instead of doing the 24465476879346322154667799 other things that do matter in a life span that’s relatively short and useless relative to the great scheme of things in the universe.

Read that last paragraph? 4 lines. One sentence. Good-bye coherency and sense, I barely knew you.

Then again, it joins the ranks of seemingly important, high priority entities that I’ve lost a grip on. I feel directionless, burned out and on the verge of , if not already in, some sick, twisted form of misery and depression.

Amazing isn’t it? Close to 2 years ago I thought I won the proverbial lottery in the most literal sense possible. I was in an industry I loved working on things that mattered and making a difference. Or so I thought.

Right now everything leading up to this moment seems completely disjointed, a rambling Frankenstein-like specimen stitched together by delusions of self-worth. Everything seems to be colored in monotony. Waking up is a chore, getting to work even a bigger one, surviving the day, the biggest of all. And it makes me wonder.

You know that in superhero flicks and comics there’s a prolonged period of struggle before they finally manage to find a way to defeat their villains right? This period of my life seems like those 5-10 pages or the odd thirty minutes of celluloid struggle. On constant loop. A rerun of cheap satire that’s probably keeping some alien race entertained as they’re watching from high above, a comedic filler giving their aspirations of galactic domination a massive boost if this was an indicator of how the rest of humanity pans out.

I’m just tired. Frayed. And seven shades of shit rolled into one convenient package that’s prevented from hitting the fan due to a heady mix of music, video games, anime, coffee and alcohol. But for how long?

There’s only so much an IQ of 160 severed by a dominant right-brain can do. Couple that with a personal life that’s as healthy as a dead person and social life where the high point is getting sloshed on a Saturday night leads me to believe that I need a change. A change of everything. A change from everyone. A change absolutely wholesale.

I need to find a way out. Before life becomes the death of me. Until a suitable solution is found I’ll be busy helping stone golems discover who they were before they became well…stone golems.

Dragon Age Origins. All Kinds of Awesome. Old School.

Stone Golems. Making hating pigeons cool since forever.

Oh what do you know? It’s 6:40 AM. Am I Nostradamus or what?

Now Listening To: Queens of the Stone Age – In the Fade

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April Awesomeness

14 Jun

April had its moments of madness. More so than any other month. Yet. Pardon the lack of an update. Life is busy, distractive and even fun. All at the same time. Nevertheless here we go:

1. Lolcat exhibitions are awesome. Even more so when followed up by a few beers at the local watering hole, Ambience. Pity that the girls weren’t too keen about stepping into Croma. Fun times.

2. Tavern is an interesting place with interesting people and we live in interesting times. Yeah.

3. Sundance is an even more interesting place provided you have the right people. Namely Raddy and Chetan.

4. Woodside Inn isn’t so interesting. Mainly because their pesto is sweet.

5. Fake IPL Player’s blog was awesome. It’s a good thing he didn’t reveal himself. i’m waiting for the book to come out with the truth. Or the full length motion picture.

6. Exes are exes for a reason.

7. Voting is overrated the only reason people have to do so is because it allows them to show their middle finger on TV and not be censored for it.

8. Conference calls come in two varieties. One described here. And another which is akin to going to a party that’s got the makings of something great what with the dim lighting, loads of alcohol and hot women. Until you start chatting one of them up, things start getting hot and heavy and then you realize she has a mustache. Conference calls. The bane of humanity. At least for this month.

9. Attention!

10. Garden State and Akira are great movies. Until you decide to watch them back to back. And then it all goes to heck because you’re muddled with visions that cross two people kissing with mass amputations, tumours and implosions.

11. Train rides are unboring when they include you being privy to a conversation revolving around break ups, fetishes, vengeance and drama.

12. XKCD

13. Pranks, Sundance and Old friends.

14. Parents and Facebook.

15. New Year’s Eve-ish thoughts. Yes Chetan, i missed out Lonvala. My bad totally. Very rare are nights made so epic with just half a litre of whisky and enough conversation to light up the entire continent of Africa. Believe.

16. The Mater’s birfday!

17. ”In the real world things are very different. You just need to look around you. Nobody wants to die that way. People die of disease and accident. Death comes suddenly and there is no notion of good or bad. It leaves, not a dramatic feeling but great emptiness. When you lose someone you loved very much you feel this big empty space and think, ‘If I had known this was coming I would have done things differently.”

18. No that post wasn’t for you, you or you.

Now Listening To: The Killers – Exitlude