Tag Archives: Twitter

In defence of the Government

25 May

The last couple of weeks have been an utter mess. Petrol prices went up a fuckload. The internet came under censorship, regulation and other assorted red tape. And at the moment, word is the lovely state of Maharashtra is looking to enforce an arcane law requiring you to be 25 years or above and acquire a drinking permit in order to guzzle down a cold beer.

Sure, there was and is outrage, drama and impassioned pleas from folk everywhere. Now I’m no political genius or master of governance to fathom the rationale behind such moves, but it seems that all the government is doing is exercising a fair bit of control (insert Captain Obvious remarks here). You know, the sort an overprotective mother indulges in. Instead of calling you a million times a day or forcing a curfew on you, you’re being told what to do and what not to do, in spite of well, being a democracy.

Which brings me to the crux of this blog post. We all crave control in some form or another. Be it snooping on your friend’s text messages, silently observing a family member’s online antics or simply being extremely overbearing to those around us. It’s human nature. A response to some warped insecurity or another. This isn’t wrong. It’s human nature which we’re perfectly fine with. Here’s why.

The government is just acting like that one alpha male/female in a group of friends who wants to control everything from where the gang go to eat to which cinema they watch The Avengers at. Being the civil polite people that we are, we rarely do tell Mr. or Ms. Bossypants to his or her or it’s face that his or her or it’s behaviour is appalling. We may however, bitch about said person on Twitter and move on.

What’s scary in this case is, we’re not doing anything about the scenario. We’re more than happy to be resigned to the fact that for the rest of our living, social existence, the terms and conditions of where we go and what we do is decided by someone else. We’re perfectly fine with it.

Having said that, we’re completely wrong, out of line and impolite for trying to tell our lovely PM and his friends anything. After all, we’ve been conditioned to deal with it in ways that don’t involve public outcries, petitions and other forms of protest. They’re just macro scaled a social aspect we’re used to. So deal with it, be nice and stay classy (read: shut up). Well, unless you want to be labelled a maoist.

Fed up.

22 May

Today marks the beginning of the realisation of a phase that I’ve been in for the longest time.

I’m fed up.

No, it’s not the job, that’s pretty sweet. It’s not the daily grind of commuting in a city befitting the status of a war zone and it’s not the standard of living in the shadow of a dystopian, scumbag government either. I’ve made my peace with these elements a long time ago. After all, what else would you expect from someone who wakes up each morning anticipating an alien invasion?

I’m fed up of people. I’m fed up of listening. I’m fed up “being there” for them. I’m fed up of hearing their sordid tales of their daily existence. I’m fed up of being accommodating of their idiosyncrasies. I have had enough and I can’t have any more. I’ve reached a point where my relationship with people is borderline toxic because I’ve had it with being the foil to everyone’s drama and I want out.

Having said that, I’m in the process of culling the unnecessary whining and noise. So don’t be surprised if you don’t see me on Facebook, have access to my tweets only due to retweets from others, and can’t view me on Foursquare, Instagram or the social network of the du jour. Oh and don’t get appalled if I don’t reply to WhatsApp messages, texts, emails or even pick up the phone.

It’s funny how the dynamics of modern day communication make me want to crawl into my shell rather than be more open to listening. Good thing the block and report as spam buttons exist. It seems like the best way to clean out the mess I’ve gotten myself into thoroughly. Fun.

Now listening to: Bonobo – Kiara

 

The Timeline of Tomorrow

1 Jan

A little something I rustled up for Mumbai Mirror’s New Year’s issue. Unedited, uncensored and hopefully, better formatted than the print edition.

The problem with writing a column about the web trends of 2012 is that I can’t exactly prophesies about flying cars, giant robots or alien visitations. Reason being, change on the internet is a little less dramatic (and less cliched) but as important all the same.

2011 has been its growing up year of sorts. From Egypt to Russia along with pitstops along the UK, US and to an extent India, you’d have to be living under a rock not to take notice of the role Twitter and Facebook have played in advocating governmental change.

While this doesn’t mean that we’d stop using social media to document drunken nights of debauchery, it just means the methods of doing so will change. Here’s my predictions for 2012′s internet trends.

1. Social media goes visual: rather than fill in your Facebook or Twitter status updates with random song quotes or banal whining about how crowded the local train was, video and photo uploads allow you those few moments to think “is this really worth sharing?”. Throw in the fact that your average cellphone camera is competent to film and shoot with ease, and that images speak louder than 140 characters, you get fledgling networks like Instagram ( a photo app currently for iOS devices only but heading to Android phones soon) and Viddy (a video editing and sharing app for smartphones) primed to steal a slice of Facebook’s and Twitters social pie.

2. Year of the mobile. For real: every year seems to the be the year when mobile internet takes off. 2012 is one of them. But what makes us believe it will finally happen? For starters smartphone prices are next to nothing, social apps like Facebook and Google Plus are now mobile in a big way and hardware manufacturers such as Nokia are pushing Near Field Communication to allow for contactless payments too. So you’d be using your phone for more than just Whatsapp or Angry Birds. Oh and the occasional call. Now if they’d just lower iPhone 4S prices…

3. Anonymity becomes a hot-button topic: Be it what movies you’re watching or where you are shopping, a lot of what you do in real life finds its way on the internet. If you don’t share, your friends will. It’s this always connected, always sharing system of social media that leads to privacy concerns. This is made worse by the fact that all your information is archived, making it easy to find at any given time. For example, the last thing a prospective job candidate would want, is a recruiter to chance upon his or her not so printable thoughts on Sunny Leone on Bigg Boss. On a more serious note, anonymity allows users to speak up without fear and gives whistleblowers much needed protection. The point is, as more people are aware of the importance for anonymity, it opens up an avenue to charge for it rather than leave you without a choice. Don’t be surprised if Facebook and Google Plus offer that option in 2012.

So there you have it, three of the bigger internet trends for the new year which promises to be more agile, vibrant and effervescent than the last.

Stuff I End Up Hearing. Ballcurry Edition.

14 Jul

 

By “hearing” I mean seeing, reading or absorbing in some form or another. In some cases, even spewing.

“If I talk ballcurry to someone like you about video games, you will know it’s ballcurry. For example if I told you I knew the chief CEO of Konami, you know I’m talking ballcurry!”, a good friend who decided to set the world record for a sentence with the word, “ballcurry”.

“I play with dogs…not women.”, another friend on his reason for volunteering with the Welfare For Stray Dogs.

“God of War is an RPG! You play the role of Kratos.”, the lengths to which a point can be proven. Also, shit my Sam says to prove a point.

“Judas Priest is opening for Metallica. They’re some 90s band. Like the Spice Girls.”, spewed from the same mouth that gave us ballcurry and chief CEO.

“When you hear the song Pokerface, do you think of Po from Kung Fu Panda or Lady Gaga?”, as you can see, I am a deep thinker. And stuff.

“I can’t be a sycopanth but I can be a yes man!”, the same world record setting friend describing his strategy for tackling his boss.

“Honesty is expensive. Cheap people don’t have it.”, sign outside a church.

“Your PC sucks because it doesn’t warn me when I close a window!”, the sisterbot on why Macs are awesome.

“Video games = you’re a nano-augmented bad ass. Movies = you’re a transgendered travelling salesman.”, as seen on Twitter.

“Snow Leopard? What is that?”,  the collective staff at the Breach Candy iStore.

 ”Malaika how friendly are you with gadgets?” , random suit at a press con featuring Malaika Arora.

“Malaika wanted to touch, feel and do things to all the products presented to her!”, same random suit showing his lecherous side to all and sundry. See the video at a torrent site near you!

“Apple removed JPEG support for the iPad or what?” , expertly called by a fellow Apple skeptic. And more believable than funny.

“Publishers have a good rapport with journalists and get good reviews. “, explains a games developer on how things work. Guess we know why a lot of games get bad reviews then.

“Register, pay $99 and download it for free!”, the same developer elucidating how easy it is to develop for iOS.

“You have any friends in the suburbs? I’m looking for a maid.”, this is what happens when townies decide to move to the ‘burbs.

“Get your time periods right woman!”, this is me trying to correct said ex-townie five minutes later.


Vital Stats:

Quotes featuring Apple in one form or another: 3

Quotes about some Bollywood celeb: 2

Quotes with video games: 4

Quotes resulting in facepalm: all of them

The Cricket Survival Guide

7 Mar

Something I wrote for T3 India. Now here and unedited for your viewing pleasure:

Zombies and cricket fans have a lot in common. They’re both mindless drones lumbering around trying to sink their chops into unsuspecting folk converting them into one of their own. The difference being that one of them is an extremely real and dangerous threat. And unless there’s a zombie world cup in February it is but obvious that this is a guide to surviving the Cricket World Cup if you’re not a fan.

1.       Go off the virtual social grid: Unwire yourself from the time sinks that are Twitter and Facebook which would be replete with fans spouting their views on everything from Yuvraj’s latest squeeze to Sehwag’s hairstyle and maybe cricket as well. If these weren’t enough you’d find more than your fair share of folk who previously didn’t give a crap about the sport trying to validate their existence by posting something apparently witty about it for virtual kudos. Stay away from them too. They’ve given in to the plague. It’s too late for them.

2.       Read no evil, watch no evil: You turn into a zombie when you get bitten by one. Cricket zombies are smarter. Everything from your favourite phone brand to your choice of milk would be looking to if you could excuse the pun, milk this event for all its worth ensuring your superior cricket-free mind being contaminated by World Cup taint remotely. It’s a clever Trojan horse. The solution? Stop reading newspapers and magazines, stop watching TV and get your news via filtered ad-free alternatives like RSS feeds

3.       Rally survivors: You won’t be alone in these dark times. There will be other like-minded, kindred individuals looking for some solace from the trauma. Now would be a good time to get in touch with your friends who you know for a fact won’t be interested in the World Cup perhaps at a place that isn’t piping inane cricketing commentary. Like a quiet restaurant without a TV for example.

4.       Drinking Games: If you’re forced to watch a match. Have a shot of tequila each time a wicket falls, the batsman hits the ball, the bowler gets a dot ball, when an extra is bowled and every time there’s an ad break. This would ensure that you’d be more receptive to the sport as it would regulate alcohol consumption.

5.      House Party Protection: Cricket zombies are a cunning bunch as point number 2 would surmise. Sometimes when getting to you virally doesn’t work, they decide to be upfront and invite you to a house party to “watch the match”. This is one time where you’re allowed to be impolite and show up extremely late. Preferably after the game. And if you have the misfortune of showing up when it’s on, feign interest by resorting to the usual catchphrases like “Sachin is God” and “I wish Ganguly was still captain” this would result in the horde bickering over these two topics for hours on end. Allowing you to make a speedy exit.

6.       Kamikaze: The final solution this. It’s the very definition of suicide. If points 1 to 5 fail and you for some reason find yourself kidnapped, blackmailed (emotionally or otherwise) or held at gunpoint to watch a cricket match your only option is to shout at the top of your lungs when appropriate (at the loss of a wicket or a boundary scored) “GO MANCHESTER UNITED!”. This would result in devastation of  cataclysmic proportions with the crowd and your immediate (cricket zombie) friends losing absolute respect for you. Which would have been pretty much as existent as Diablo 3 if you had to resort to this.

Commandments for 2011

13 Feb

Something I wrote for T3 India. Now here and unedited for your viewing pleasure:

Commandments for 2011

Yesterday was last year. Your head’s stopped spinning, the hangover’s clearing and you have absolutely no idea as to why yourresolution for 2K11 is to save the world from boy bands. And that’s why we’re here. While we share an equally hateful disdain for manufactured sugar pop there’s a lot more worth resolving for. Read on to know what and most importantly why:

1.       Thou Shall Not Pirate: Ironic isn’t it? We use every possible excuse from high prices to Wikileaks to avoid paying for a copy of Windows 7 but would gladly sell off our firstborn to get our computer up and running after almost daily dalliances with illegal software. The same goes for games and apps. You wouldn’t like to be robbed for your hardwork so doing the same to others is criminal. Not to mention it leads to developers losing jobs and studios closing.  And if you don’t like spending a paisa then the internet always throws up a free, conscious-clean solution.

2.       Thou Shall Not Be an Echo on Twitter: This goes for a sizeable number of folk in the audience. It’s nice to show you’re all so Web 2.0 or whatever they’re calling it nowadays by having a Twitter account but if all you’re going to do is spam the damn re-tweet button 24/7/365 (366 in case of leap years) you’re just adding to the spam paradise we call the internet. Kindly cease and desist (unless you’re re-tweeting @t3_india that is, then you’re fine by us, godlike even).

3.       Thou Shall Not Be a Paying Beta Tester: Hype. It gets the better of us. Even more so when it comes to gadgets. So before you end up spending your hard-earned pennies on the latest “oPad Touch” do wait for the opinions of other guinea pigs before buying a ticket to board the hype train. With some interesting tech ahead of us and limitless updates (Nintendo’s DS line comes to mind) patience should be the virtue of saints and the gadget-obsessed.

4.       Thou Shall Not Showcase Your Lack of Literacy:  An old but perennial one this. ‘cuz typin lyk dis iz xtreemly irritatin 4 d rst of us. That and the fact that you’re not in pre-school anymore. Also your keyboard called, it’s about to euthanize your unused alphabet keys. On about the same level of vexation is the sort who TYPE EVERYTHING IN CAPS, the virtual equivalent of shouting that’s made our virtual ears stone deaf.

5.       Thou Shall Photograph With Discretion:  No we don’t pictures of you getting sozzled or indulging in more than a fair bit of public displays of affection with your latest squeeze or bathroom mirror pics populating our Facebook news feed. And most of all adding a greyscale or monochrome filter to it does not make it look any better. It’s just unnecessary clutter we can all do without. Sure we can tweak our Facebook settings but that defeats the purpose of harmonious living and self-improvement doesn’t it?

6.       Thou Shall Pretend to be Tech Illiterate: “Wait, what? This is T3 isn’t it?!” asked our alert readers while turning this over to see if their favourite gadget wasn’t replaced by a copy of We Hate Machines Weekly. The fact is feigning ignorance is very useful when you have the sort of people in your life (usually relatives or friends) who have your number stored under “Tech Support” when they can’t get their “Interwebs” working or have ended up nuking their PC due to pirated software.

7.        Thou Shall Not Troll New Buyers: So your friend’s got a spanking new Android 2.1 only phone. While you’d be correct to rain on his parade by telling him that 2.2 is the new hotness it’s in pretty bad taste as not only is it impolite but it is obvious that he’s fallen prone to rant number 3 a point from which there is no redemption. That and self-realization does take its own sweet time to set in.

Predictions for 2011

12 Dec

A little something I wrote for T3 India’s anniversary issue. Now here and unedited for your viewing pleasure:

One year from the end of the Mayan calendar aside,  here’s what to expect in 2011. Pardon the lack of accuracy in our forecast. There wasn’t an app on the Appstore to help us out.
1. Himesh comes to iTunes: Sure Apple teased us with “Tomorrow is another day. That you’ll just never forget” but let’s face it the Beatles announcement is just the place holder for this nasal singer who has the mighty legion of rickshaw driving fanboys at his side and easily singable tunes that can have the most stuck up of editors humming in no time. That and the lack of a Emperor Palpatine-like Yoko Ono figure to cause his demise make this prophecy inevitable.

2. 3G comes to India: Sure it will in a more widespread fashion and rates that would drop faster than the TRPs of Bigg Boss post-Pamela Anderson and the not too under the radar cat-fighting between telcos like drunken women but there will be an obvious side-effect – a  telephone minister would resign.

3. Indian Politicians on Twitter: Just like Shashi Tharoor last year the internet will throw up some canny, publicity hungry politician wanting to  raise his or her profile. However don’t expect any controversy, just carefully managed; succinct tweets that would make Rahul Dravid’s batting seem less bland.

4. NotionInk finally launches the Adam: To the relief of many a techie rooting for the underdog the Adam will finally hit the shelves only to be outspecced and outgunned from Apple’s and Samsung’s next Retina Display and SAMOLED toting darlings making it the Palm Pre of the tablet world.

5. iPhone4 in India: Hopefully at a rate that won’t have you selling your kidney, limbs, first born and your mobile connection to own it. This will be followed by Windows Phone 7 finally launching here leading to a spate of “I’m a PC, I’m a Mac” arguments all over again. Can we meet in the middle ground? Preferably Android please?

 

6.  …and speaking of Android: Samsung, HTC and your favourite manufacturer of Android handsets will finally find a way to increase battery life so that you can tweet, check your emails, video conference, Skype, walk the dog, do the dishes, breathe and most importantly make calls without the battery dying on you in under thirty seconds.

 

7.  Big Bazaar enters the Mobile Biz: Hot on the heels of Tips, iBall, your grandmother and your cat entering the mobile phone space with super cheap handsets freshly made by suicidal Chinese workers would be our version of Wallmart wading into the already crowded pool leading to crazy price drops. The good news: an iPhone 4 knock off for under a grand. The bad news: it breaks the moment you try calling anyone.

 

8. Foxconn outsources to India: In order to lower suicide rates and most importantly, cut costs, the mysterious contract manufacturer for almost everyone from Nintendo to HP, decides to outsource their projects to India leading to a decrease of suicides, an increased productivity, greater tech leaks and of course a grand reality TV show capturing all the drama.

 

9. Less mobile phone predictions: Let’s face it, the portable space has been booming so much so that this writer’s first 43645758 thoughts on this article were all cell phone based. And even after trying to look busy writing this article to escape the proof-reading boredom of closing time he’s nowhere close to having less of them. Having said that he apologizes and promises the same won’t hold true next year. Maybe.

 

10. You will join our Facebook page: Legend has it that if it’s in print it must be true. And while this isn’t exactly number one on our list of predictions, truth be told, being marooned on a planet inhabited by nothing but lingerie models and latest tech is, but this isn’t too far down the pecking order. So join us at http://fb.me/T3India or just search for T3 India on Facebook to see what goes on behind the scenes at India’s premier gadget mag. Stalkers and irate fanboys who want to hunt down that writer who gave your favourite product a bad review are welcome too.

 

Kinect. Bringing Out the Douche In Some of Us

9 Dec

How to make a product massive success in a country where your console is failing.

Step 1: Pass on killer accessory to desperate as fuck, extremely slighted show host who for some reason has quite the following on Twitter. Have aforementioned pseudo-celeb tweet about it. Ensuring that his tweet is succinctly retarded and completely unprofessional.

Step 2:  The wannabe must take care to call every replier a pirate.


Step 3: Watch as Twitter gets trolled and trolls back.

If I had a cable TV subscription I’d boycott UTV Bloomberg’s tech show. It’s a good thing I’m too stubborn for my folks who wanted me to get one.

The Great Purge/Stuff That Needs A New Home (Or Hard Drive)

15 Nov

True story. Happened 2 months earlier than the time stamp though.

 

Every now and then events lead you to get rid of a clusterfuck of items that are in your possession. Luckily most of mine are digital. However I’m of the firm belief that one man’s (soon to be) discarded  emotional, digital baggage is another’s unadulterated playhouse of euphoria. So I have up for grabs the following items in my possession:

1. How I Met Your Mother – 120 episodes

2. Dexter – 56 episodes

3. Assorted Indie Music – 15 songs or so

4. Random chat logs, text logs and emails – too many to count

5. A single someecards.com account

6.  Ability to read Terry Pratchett’s books

7.  Tolerance to listen to Beirut’s music

While I can very easily delete most of the above items permanently, I feel that should be the very last step given that it could save someone some bandwidth and perhaps add some giggles to what is usually a drab, humdrum life. The reason for getting rid of these things isn’t because they cause me any soul decaying grief but simply  because they’ve outlived their usefulness a long time ago and I need to clean out my personal and mental space for the new awesome.

That and, more free hard drive space is always welcome.

In other words, this is my way of saying to the world, “Bring it on!”, preferably in a voice like  Batman or Rorschach because I think that I can play a brutal, dark anti-hero who feeds kidnappers to their own dogs, cripple mob bosses and pets kittens but I digress…

Interested parties can transfer an amount of their choosing to my PayPal account which is areyoufuckingkiddingmewiththisexcuseofapostyoutwat [at] slackerninja [dot] com. Items would be shipped via inter-dimensional wormhole or Diagon Alley.

Overheard at Work Volume I

1 May

Dear blog,

Seems I’ve been spending too much time on Twitter. But don’t fret, it all leads up to moments that are valuable fodder for you and you alone. Oh maybe for the non-existent traversers of the internet who may chance upon this post of sheer awesome. And by awesome I mean a copy-paste a well edited and thought out compilation of what’s been going on in the Twatterverse Twitterverse.

So without further adieu to quote everyone’s favorite electronic duo, HERE WE GO!

‘I complimented her…in a parallel universe.’

‘All you guys are at your phones busy getting anti-social.’

‘I do not call it a pipe. I call it a straw.’

‘We can use profanity at work. That’s fucking awesome!’

“You didn’t “overhear it” someone told it to you!” #GG

“Do something for the kids!!!”

“It’s a Macbook Pro, it’s for PRO users.” #applefans

‘Would you like to taste my tasty nut?”

‘Better than you and your frilly underwear.’ #wtf

I work in a tweet worthy place. RT @gounder Heard at work: @slackerninja, i’m gonna call you tweetie cause you tweat a lot…

” The similarity between life & my left butt cheek…neither are right nor fair.”

“Don’t you know me by now? I’m not soft.”

“The Resident Evil video game did well right? That’s great for a movie based franchise.”

“If you’re a member, bring your member for a 50% discount on services offered”.

“Even if you’re vegetarian you cannot eat without a plate.”

“It has nothing to do with size…I’m telling you man to man”.

So as you can see, it’s all been done for your well-being and all-round epic win. Having said that I shall furnish you with more posts regularly lest you do to me what Elin does to Tiger Woods in Southpark.

Pwnt Ho!

Now Listening To: The Chemical Brothers – The Test

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